Little Red Bracelet

I've been putting a lot of time into cleaning my room, these past few days. Maybe eight hours ago, I found this little red bracelet, made of what I gather is flat nylon mesh, with a black plastic clasp. I know when and where I got it, but I had no idea that I still had it. Last year, my high school was "celebrating" Red Ribbon Week. Basically, a large group of people runs around putting all sorts of red all over the school, which is somehow supposed to discourage drug use -- don't ask me -- and do their best to pressure everyone into participating.

This was one of the things they were passing out. Caught me around the lockers during lunch period, they did. On one side, the bracelet reads, "Red Ribbon Week!" with cheerful-looking ribbon graphics, all in black. I took the thing and figured I could just toss it into the trash at the next opportunity. For whatever the hell reason, I kept it, probably pocketed it and forgot about it until I got home and tossed it into a pile of crap in the far corner of my room where I never clean.

And there it sat until today.

Finding it reminded me of a lot of memories. Curious that something so insignificant could be a queue for so much thought. Reminded me of old friends, old enemies, stupid gossip, worthwhile gossip, jokes, days eating lunch under the stairs with the gang. Also reminded me of the ways I was perhaps constantly depressed throughout high school, and some of the things I've been doing and am still doing to try and escape that. A few other old friends. Photographs I found in the same corner pile reinforced these memories.

I was also reminded of the clipboard I frequently take to school. Pops got it as some form of promotion from an Army Reserve unit, many moons ago. I guess it's more of a folder with a clipboard on one side. Surprisingly rigid backing for cardboard, covered with black plastic dressed up to look like leather. I've taken pretty good care of the thing (okay, maybe not, but it survives). On the front of it, in golden ink, is a logo with a flaming dagger and the text, "63rd RSC Supports a Drug Free America!" as I recall it. I long ago took a black sharpie pen and marked out "drug," my sort of quiet rebellion, I guess a pretty clear statement of my political beliefs on the matter when you look at the changed sentence. I don't do any drugs, but not for any particular moral belief, I just haven't felt the need yet. That'll change later. For now, I just shrug and go about my business.

So I took the bracelet, turned it inside out, and stuck it on my wrist. Had no idea why at the time, I just had the urge and fulfilled it. It's only come off my wrist for a shower, since, and I'll be wearing it until I feel the urge to take it off. To the outside world, it looks just like a little red bracelet. I know it has significance to me, I just have to figure out what that significance is. I've thought of several.

Several people have been noticing my tendency to try and weasel away from dealing with any emotional pain through any number of escape mechanisms, from cracking sudden jokes to flat out denial of a problem. It's been pointed out that this only prolongs the problems, and I can see a sort of logic to that. Dimly acknowledge that I would've had a much better time through high school if I'd dealt with my problems as they came instead of waiting for some magical "perfect time to deal with them," which I know full well isn't realistically going to come. The sight and feel of the bracelet will hopefully remind me of this. I've been putting effort into not hiding, and it's been paying off; this'll keep me from hiding, wearing my heart on my sleeve, so to speak.

I've also been told that I need to talk to more people. After a bit of an emotional explosion last night, I've been doing that. Maybe not as much as I should. Two people have recommended professional counseling, and I think I may see about that if I have another severe downswing. The unlimited weekend minutes on my cell plan have seen some abuse (just wait until I combine that with free nationwide long distance). Again, the bracelet can serve as a reminder. I do want to point out one thing, and that's that I haven't been speaking freely with everyone -- if anyone feels left out, or somehow unimportant, because of that, know that all of you have a role in my recovery, even if I haven't chosen you as a confidant.

It's not something I'd usually do, popping on a random bracelet like this. Getting out of my usual routine has been nice, because the usual routine reminds me too much of the sadder parts of my past. Acting on random urges like this will hopefully help me get in deeper touch with myself -- urges speak of desires, after all, and what better window to the self than our desires?

It does kindle quite a few memories. Reminds me of my past, and that I do have a future, whatever's going to be in it. Also brings up memories of some very specific conversations with meanings which are pretty obvious to me but which would require an inordinate amount of explanation to make clear.

It's a quiet, gentle slap in the face to someone. I'm not going to explain it much more than that, and I hesitate to let that slip out, but I'm not going to limit my feelings for most anyone's sake right now, and I know that element is present, however small. Doing that establishes some sort of independence for myself on a level which seems at once patently ridiculous and strangely soothing.

Think my subconscious may have decided to wear it until I get over this. Guess time will tell whether or not that was part of my reasoning. There's also the element that I usually wear my watch where the bracelet is, on my left wrist; we'll see what I decide to do about that. The watchstrap is blue, I wonder if the red strikes a nice contrast for my mind? I have been wondering if I want to keep wearing the watch; time seems to pass faster when I don't wear it.

A quiet voice in my head is convinced that it looks bitchin', but I know better. I'll wear it anyway.

Roamed through my entire collection of DeviantArt downloads. Was looking for a particular picture I'd been reminded of, last night, and ended up going through everything. Checked up on a few artists again, downloaded more. Set my desktop background to a particular work by Boobookittyfuck, one of my personal favorites. Don't think that'll last long as my wallpaper, but we'll see. Also cleaned off lots of icons from my desktop.

Discovered that taking some keys off of your keyboard makes it much easier to clean the interior of it. A few of them are a bit jittery, now, but that's going away as they settle back into position over time. Every keypress puts on a little pressure, see, and my shift key finally popped back into proper place.

Managed to attend a friend's Half-Haloween party, if only for about an hour. Was a good hour, though.

Saw an old friend at the most random place, last night. Driving, she happened to reach a traffic light at the same time I did. Met up and talked for a bit. Hadn't spoken with her for a long time. Too long. Must get together with her again sometime soon.

This mood upswing seems somehow more authentic than the last two. Hope that'll last. Who knows?

Found a few comics I drew as a wee lil' kid. Broke out the old sketchbook and drew up a bit. All shit technique, but I felt the urge, so I did it. I felt like creating something artistic, and I didn't want to wait for writer's block to pass. The first and probably most emotionally pointed drawing was also the only one with a title, "I Would Like to Buy a Rose."

Feels like I have plenty else to say, but it isn't flowing. Hasn't been, really, through this whole post, but it's getting especially slow by now. I've already written a pretty long ramble, so I'll let it sit for the night. Should try and get some more rest, anyway.

Still binging on Muse.